Episode #29 – Nitpicking, Nagging & Controlling Your Spouse – What Could Go Wrong?

Today’s episode is our response to a question one of our listeners posed to our Instagram account recently.

“I have been looking for resources on how to not nag my husband and how to stop trying to control him. I nitpick and it drives him into crazy anger.  I try to stop, and then I mess up and it’s driving us apart.  Do you have any recommendations, or could you cover this in a future podcast?”

• Mention off the top a couple of important points:
  • These can be minor or very serious and dangerous issues inside of a marriage – while we will certainly have some fun discussing this, we recognize we are not marriage counselors and the best course of action might just be seeking professional help together.
  • Tommy – as a man and husband, please know that my heart hurts for this wife and I want to speak through a lens of grace – even if I make some jokes or react sarcastically on the show!
• Breakdown the quote and talk big picture – Controlling your spouse goes hand in hand with Nagging & Nitpicking because they’re trying to mold you into what they want

 

• Nitpicking:
  • What do you consider nitpicking?
  • What is the reason you are finding fault or looking to highlight faults in your partner? – unrealistic expectations, judgmental tendencies or need for perfectionism
  • Nitpicking in 2020 – more of an issue
  • For newer marriages – learning to live with one another
  • Is this creating a vicious cycle? – resentment
  • SOLUTIONS: Intentionally show grace, don’t sweat the small stuff, maybe ask yourself will this matter in a year, turn it into fun – something unique between just you?

• Nagging:
  • When does a request become nagging?
  • Jackie Example – Tommy Example
  • How can you better communicate the need?
  • What are some SOLUTIONS?
    • Step away, calm down and then respond
    • Both agree on a date and time to do task
    • Put it on electronic calendars
    • Better communicate why you’re not doing said task immediately – maybe you already have a plan – husbands instead of getting angry and feeling you’re not being respected, explain the why. Wives – if your husband truly does know what he’s doing, maybe take a step back from mentioning it anymore
    • As the Spouse being “nagged” – recognize that you may be putting something off because it’s not important but could be very important to your spouse.

• Controlling:
  • This is a deeper one that probably should go straight to counseling to find out what is really happening in the relationship or something internal with the wife or husband that is causing this behavior
  • This could take many forms – nitpicking, nagging
  • Keeping score
  • Verbally manipulating your spouse with negative speak to wear them out to do what you want.
  • SOLUTIONS:
    • Self- recognition that you have a problem is a good first step
    • Ask yourself what is driving this behavior – fear, insecurity, projecting/transferring