Episode #44 - Narcissism is a Poison pt.2

Welcome to part two of our discussion on the poison that is Narcissism.  If you haven’t listened to last week’s episode, we would love for you to take a listen as we discussed The Hulu documentary – The Housewife & The Hustler about Tom Girardi & his wife Erika Girardi…aka…Erika Jayne:

• Only a true narcissist would think first about the admiration, praise and fame before thinking twice about the crimes they’re committing against another person.
• How do you spot a Narcissit!! Here are some of the signs you’re dealing with a narcissist – how to spot them.

 

• Two faced
• Blames others for failures
• Acts different in public vs. private
• Unreliable
• Superior attitude
• Lives in a fantasy world
• Distorts the truth or facts to suit own agenda
• Only emotionally available when they want something
• Lacks sympathy for others
• Controlling
• Provokes people then blames them for the fight
• Can not admit to mistakes
• Creates Confusion
• Financial Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• No Remorse
• Violates Boundaries
• Not Accountable
• Obsessed with Looks
• Energy Vampires
• Smear Campaign
• Controlling
• Posessiveness
• Excessive Need for Validation

 

9 Signs you are married to a narcissist – according to Psycom.net

 

#1: You Feel Isolated

Drifting apart from some friends after a big life change (marriage! babies!) happens to everyone, but if your life is now rife with severed ties, it’s time to pause and reassess. “After marriage, narcissists often isolate their spouses from their friends through a slow and methodical process,” says Cristina Dorazio, Ph.D., a psychologist who provides both individual and couples therapy in New York City. (Bad-mouthing others is a very common narcissistic behavior, notes research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.) “They can be very good at this, even making you start to question why you were ever friends in the first place,” says Dorazio. This is especially true for friends who are “on to” your narcissist spouse’s behavior.

#2: You’re Being Gaslighted

Why can’t you take a joke?  I never said that! Why are you always so angry? You’re being paranoid. Why can’t you let go of the past? No one will ever love you like I do. 

#3: Praise Looks Like This

After the I Dos, however, that often shifts dramatically. Now, the compliments may only arrive when you are in the company of others. “This allows the narcissist to look like a great husband in front of other people and contradicts any complaints you might share about him later,” says Dorazio. Another flattery twist: While compliments directed to you might fizzle, a narcissist might instead lay it on thick to others in your orbit. “They do this to feed your insecurity,” says Dorazio.

#4: It Feels Like Your Partner Is Trying To Make You Jealous

Beyond praising others, a narcissist may talk glowingly about an ex or flirt with someone right in front of you. This is no accident or innocent misstep, but a strategic move designed to make you feel jealous.  Beyond stoking your own insecurity, researchers note that narcissists do this in order to wield control and/or to buoy their self-esteem.  

#5: There’s This Jealousy, Too

Jealousy is not an uncommon reaction when a baby joins a narcissist’s family, says Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., professor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb. “Narcissistic partners can become resentful of the time you invest in childcare, so he might begin to insist that you focus more attention on the marriage than the child.” This, however, is not universal. Some narcissists, in fact, dramatically shift their focus solely on the baby. “These narcissists may see the child as an extension of themselves, so they co-opt the child, leaving you on the sidelines in terms of attention and family involvement,” says Degges-White.

#6: Your Parenting Skills Are Criticized

“Narcissists often blame any perceived ‘bad’ behavior of their children on their spouse’s lack of parenting skills,” says Dorazio. Adding insult to injury, narcissists are often not as involved as their spouse in raising children in the first place—and they often use their career as an excuse to bow out of responsibilities. “In fact, if the narcissistic husband is the sole provider or earns more money in the marriage, they’ll often use that as a counterargument to not taking care of the children,” says Dorazio.

#7: They “Confide” In Your Family

Narcissists are, by definition, self-involved folks who lack empathy. So it’s no shock that you’d likely turn to your support system to complain and commiserate about this type of behavior. The catch? Knowing very well that you’d likely do this, a narcissist may talk to your family and friends before you get the chance to. “A narcissist may say he’s concerned that you’re a bit ‘off’ lately,” says Dorazio. “Because, if he confides about your problematic behavior first, he takes the heat off himself.”

#8: The Signature “Love Bombs” Dwindle

When dating, you were likely overwhelmed with signs of adoration, like constant love notes, flower deliveries and surprise gifts. (This is what it feels like to be swept off your feet, you thought!) After marriage, however—poof—it all stops. “You’ve been conquered through marriage, so courting with ‘love bombs’ is no longer needed,” says Dorazio, noting that these extravagant displays can often return, however, but only when your spouse wants something from you. “For example, if you’re surprised with a trip, you may be expected to show your gratitude in a very specific way, like dressing a certain way while on the trip or being available for sex whenever your spouse wants,” says Dorazio.

#9: They Admit It!

A study of more than 2,200 people found it’s actually pretty easy to ID narcissists. You simply need to ask them the following: To what extent do you agree with this statement: “I am a narcissist.” And you need to define “narcissist” at the same time, noting that it means egotistical, self-focused and vain. Researchers relayed that the reason this works is that those who are narcissists are almost proud of it.

 

How To Deal With Your Narcissist

“Narcissists typically don’t perceive their behavior as a problem. Instead, they feel that they’re perfectly fine and others have problems,” notes Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., professor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb. That doesn’t mean that there’s no hope. Here some tips on wading the treacherous waters.

1. Argue thisNarcissist cannot be wrong, making arguing with them close to impossible. “So it’s smart to find a way to convince your partner that the ‘right answer’ or the ‘right thing to do’ was their idea,” says Degges-White. “This way, you can compliment them on what a great idea they had to solve the issue.”
2. Ignore Insults are bait. A narcissist wants you to take them, react to them, and engage in a fight. But if you refuse to play, a fight can’t happen.
3. Ask yourself questions.It’s likely a good idea to reflect on any unconscious reasons you may have chosen to be with a narcissist. (A therapist is great at helping you navigate this.) Once you start to understand your motivation, you’ll have more clarity as to what you need.
4. Foster other healthy relationships.Turn to friends, family, a therapist—any supportive individual who can offer you the respect and sounding board to help with your emotional health.