Destination Marriage

Episode #47 - sExpectations - 20 years in, what we've learned & what we tell

Episode #46 - Rejecting Rejection

Today's topic is rejection and some best practices we can all incorporate to move past those pesky feelings that can prevent us from moving forward in life.

Episode #45 - Are husbands only civilized because of their wives?

Tommy is flying solo on today's episode and asks the question - "Are husbands only civilized because of their wives?"  

Episode #44 - Narcissism is a Poison pt.2

Welcome to part two of our discussion on the poison that is Narcissism.  If you haven’t listened to last week’s episode, we would love for you to take a listen as we discussed The Hulu documentary – The Housewife & The Hustler about Tom Girardi & his wife Erika Girardi…aka…Erika Jayne:

• Only a true narcissist would think first about the admiration, praise and fame before thinking twice about the crimes they’re committing against another person.
• How do you spot a Narcissit!! Here are some of the signs you’re dealing with a narcissist – how to spot them.

 

• Two faced
• Blames others for failures
• Acts different in public vs. private
• Unreliable
• Superior attitude
• Lives in a fantasy world
• Distorts the truth or facts to suit own agenda
• Only emotionally available when they want something
• Lacks sympathy for others
• Controlling
• Provokes people then blames them for the fight
• Can not admit to mistakes
• Creates Confusion
• Financial Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• No Remorse
• Violates Boundaries
• Not Accountable
• Obsessed with Looks
• Energy Vampires
• Smear Campaign
• Controlling
• Posessiveness
• Excessive Need for Validation

 

9 Signs you are married to a narcissist – according to Psycom.net

 

#1: You Feel Isolated

Drifting apart from some friends after a big life change (marriage! babies!) happens to everyone, but if your life is now rife with severed ties, it’s time to pause and reassess. “After marriage, narcissists often isolate their spouses from their friends through a slow and methodical process,” says Cristina Dorazio, Ph.D., a psychologist who provides both individual and couples therapy in New York City. (Bad-mouthing others is a very common narcissistic behavior, notes research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.) “They can be very good at this, even making you start to question why you were ever friends in the first place,” says Dorazio. This is especially true for friends who are “on to” your narcissist spouse’s behavior.

#2: You’re Being Gaslighted

Why can’t you take a joke?  I never said that! Why are you always so angry? You’re being paranoid. Why can’t you let go of the past? No one will ever love you like I do. 

#3: Praise Looks Like This

After the I Dos, however, that often shifts dramatically. Now, the compliments may only arrive when you are in the company of others. “This allows the narcissist to look like a great husband in front of other people and contradicts any complaints you might share about him later,” says Dorazio. Another flattery twist: While compliments directed to you might fizzle, a narcissist might instead lay it on thick to others in your orbit. “They do this to feed your insecurity,” says Dorazio.

#4: It Feels Like Your Partner Is Trying To Make You Jealous

Beyond praising others, a narcissist may talk glowingly about an ex or flirt with someone right in front of you. This is no accident or innocent misstep, but a strategic move designed to make you feel jealous.  Beyond stoking your own insecurity, researchers note that narcissists do this in order to wield control and/or to buoy their self-esteem.  

#5: There’s This Jealousy, Too

Jealousy is not an uncommon reaction when a baby joins a narcissist’s family, says Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., professor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb. “Narcissistic partners can become resentful of the time you invest in childcare, so he might begin to insist that you focus more attention on the marriage than the child.” This, however, is not universal. Some narcissists, in fact, dramatically shift their focus solely on the baby. “These narcissists may see the child as an extension of themselves, so they co-opt the child, leaving you on the sidelines in terms of attention and family involvement,” says Degges-White.

#6: Your Parenting Skills Are Criticized

“Narcissists often blame any perceived ‘bad’ behavior of their children on their spouse’s lack of parenting skills,” says Dorazio. Adding insult to injury, narcissists are often not as involved as their spouse in raising children in the first place—and they often use their career as an excuse to bow out of responsibilities. “In fact, if the narcissistic husband is the sole provider or earns more money in the marriage, they’ll often use that as a counterargument to not taking care of the children,” says Dorazio.

#7: They “Confide” In Your Family

Narcissists are, by definition, self-involved folks who lack empathy. So it’s no shock that you’d likely turn to your support system to complain and commiserate about this type of behavior. The catch? Knowing very well that you’d likely do this, a narcissist may talk to your family and friends before you get the chance to. “A narcissist may say he’s concerned that you’re a bit ‘off’ lately,” says Dorazio. “Because, if he confides about your problematic behavior first, he takes the heat off himself.”

#8: The Signature “Love Bombs” Dwindle

When dating, you were likely overwhelmed with signs of adoration, like constant love notes, flower deliveries and surprise gifts. (This is what it feels like to be swept off your feet, you thought!) After marriage, however—poof—it all stops. “You’ve been conquered through marriage, so courting with ‘love bombs’ is no longer needed,” says Dorazio, noting that these extravagant displays can often return, however, but only when your spouse wants something from you. “For example, if you’re surprised with a trip, you may be expected to show your gratitude in a very specific way, like dressing a certain way while on the trip or being available for sex whenever your spouse wants,” says Dorazio.

#9: They Admit It!

A study of more than 2,200 people found it’s actually pretty easy to ID narcissists. You simply need to ask them the following: To what extent do you agree with this statement: “I am a narcissist.” And you need to define “narcissist” at the same time, noting that it means egotistical, self-focused and vain. Researchers relayed that the reason this works is that those who are narcissists are almost proud of it.

 

How To Deal With Your Narcissist

“Narcissists typically don’t perceive their behavior as a problem. Instead, they feel that they’re perfectly fine and others have problems,” notes Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., professor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb. That doesn’t mean that there’s no hope. Here some tips on wading the treacherous waters.

1. Argue thisNarcissist cannot be wrong, making arguing with them close to impossible. “So it’s smart to find a way to convince your partner that the ‘right answer’ or the ‘right thing to do’ was their idea,” says Degges-White. “This way, you can compliment them on what a great idea they had to solve the issue.”
2. Ignore Insults are bait. A narcissist wants you to take them, react to them, and engage in a fight. But if you refuse to play, a fight can’t happen.
3. Ask yourself questions.It’s likely a good idea to reflect on any unconscious reasons you may have chosen to be with a narcissist. (A therapist is great at helping you navigate this.) Once you start to understand your motivation, you’ll have more clarity as to what you need.
4. Foster other healthy relationships.Turn to friends, family, a therapist—any supportive individual who can offer you the respect and sounding board to help with your emotional health.

Episode #43 - The Housewife & The Hustler - How Narcissism is a Poison

Most of you are probably familiar with Erin Brokovich – the legal clerk who was instrumental in building a case against the Pacific Gas & Electric Company of California for dumping a carcinogen known as hexavalent chromium.  The trial lawyer who won the 460 million dollar settlement was Tom Girardi and in this case of the documentary…The Hustler.  The housewife is none other than Erika Girardi or some may know her as Erika Jayne which is her stage name/alter ego.

Tom Girardi:

• Married his first wife in 1964, second wife in 1993 and his third wife Erika in 2000. Tom is 32 years Erika’s senior.
• He has been a powerful attorney in LA for many years – he’s tried major cases against Lockheed Martin, LA Metropolitan Transportation authority and Hollywood’s seven major studios in addition to the PG&E case that made him famous.
• One lawyer in the documentary said “he was LA Law”.
• He had so much power that lawyers wanting to become DA’s or judges and local politicians had to sort of get his blessing or kiss the ring.
• There was a lot of rumblings over the years regarding embezzling or not paying out settlement funds to other lawyers or his clients but it wasn’t until December of 2020 when he was sued publically and held in civil contempt for embezzling money from a number of families who lost loved ones in a 2018 Lion Air Boeing plane crash that his house of cards came crumbling down

 

Erika Girardi…aka…Erika Jayne:

• Had been married briefly and had a son prior to moving out to LA to pursue a career in entertainment. She had previously worked as a stripper in NJ before deciding that LA was where she needed to be in order to make her dreams of stardom come true. 
• She met Tom while working at Chasen’s as a cocktail waitress in the 90’s. She was actually the one to make the first move – she noted in her memoir that she slipped him her number while at the restaurant and also told him she was single. 
• According to her memoir, his secretary contacted her to set up a date and Erika declined also informing the secretary that if Tom wanted to take her out he would need to ask her himself. After a 6 month courting they got engaged but I do think it’s interested that Tom told her when he proposed that he would never where a wedding band.

 

Shady Business:

• So now that we have some back story on both The Hustler & The Housewife…let’s dive into the most recent allegations that have now brought these two into a very different spotlight than what they’ve been accustomed to.
• 2 Million stolen from the families who lost loved ones from the Boeing crash – he was asked to pay this money back to the families who were each owed $500k in December. When questioned about the whereabouts of the 2 Million dollars he was told by his attorney to plead the 5^th. 
• 11 million to a family that experienced tragedy a loss due to a gas pipeline explosion in California.
• $5 million owed to Law office of Phillip R. Sheldon as well for cases that were referred to Tom and won. Being sued for fraud and breach of contract.
• So where did the money go? Well…that’s literally the million dollar question right now.  Tom funded Erika’s pop star career and their over the top lavish lifestyle.  It’s said that he gave her upwards to $20 Million to hire glam, travel, build a team for her music…you name it.  What’s interesting though is that everything that was filmed on the housewives or their home tour is now being used to track assets.  Also, why on earth would you agree to a reality show if you know you have some major skeletons???

 

• What do we think of this whole mess?

Only a true narcissist would think first about the admiration, praise and fame before thinking twice about the crimes they’re committing against another person. 

 

Here are some of the signs you’re dealing with a narcissist..

 

• Two faced
• Blames others for failures
• Acts different in public vs. private
• Unreliable
• Superior attitude
• Lives in a fantasy world
• Distorts the truth or facts to suit own agenda
• Only emotionally available when they want something
• Lacks sympathy for others
• Controlling
• Provokes people then blames them for the fight
• Can not admit to mistakes

 

Episode #42 - Finances - The Great Divide?

Today’s episode is titled "Finances - The Great Divide"

Why are we doing this episode?

• To help our listeners by share our own experiences and what we have worked on and worked through
• It’s a real problem and a leading cause of issues and divorce in marriages:
  • Data from TD Ameritrade found that 41% of divorced Gen Xers and 29% of Boomers say they ended their marriage due to disagreements about money.
  • A study of more than 4,500 couples published in the journal Family Relationships states that arguing about money early on in your relationship, may be the No. 1 predictor of whether or not you’ll end up divorced.
  • Why is it such an issue?  Well, a study by Ramsey Solutions found that the stress created by the crushing burden of debt and the lack of communication in a marriage is a breeding ground for argument.
• We also believe that lack of communication can create a distrust issue, whether perceived or real. 
  • Hiding money
  • Secret spending
  • Perceived power play

Topics we discuss specifically

• How to start off on a good foot together as a team
  • Who is the spender and who is the saver
  • What’s Mine, Yours, Ours
  • Manage extended family expectations
• Managing large purchases
• How to successfully work through financial trouble 

 

Episode #41 - Overcoming Anxiety & Finding Your Purpose w/ Special Guest Megan Whatley

Episode #40 - Seltzers & Roofies

Is your seltzer water causing you to gain weight?  

Over the last few years seltzers have become all the rage.  It’s been the ultimate go to for a refreshing beverage.  Most of them have either little to no calories and come in a variety of flavors so what’s not to like?  I was consuming 3-4 seltzers a day..A DAY!! I tried them all as well and recently fell in love with some new ones until I found out that it was causing some health issues.  I was noticing that I was retaining water and I had gained some weight that really didn’t make sense.  My diet hadn’t gone off the rails and I’ve been working out consistently so I started to do a little investigating and I came across an alarming study that raised some red flags for me.

A study conducted by researchers at Birzeit University discovered that rats who were fed seltzer waters to drink rather than regular still water gained more weight as a result of an increase in their Ghrelin levels.  Grehlin is a hormone naturally released when our stomach is on empty but this hormone increased significantly in the rats after consuming the seltzer. The rats that consumed the seltzers ate 20% more than the other rats! 

We had an experience that honestly no one should have to experience but it’s a cautionary tale that we’ve been waiting to share.  So a few years ago, we traveled to Las Vegas for a conference and we were so excited because the company was putting us up at the Four Seasons.  

What could we have done differently to prevent this from happening?

 

Episode #39 - Life Updates, The Gates Divorce &The Three I's

Updates on life - Jackie took a tumble, weekend trips to Miami and Orlando

In recent news you may have seen that Bill and Melinda Gates have filed for divorce. This couple has been together for 27 years and the news made headlines for obvious reasons.  The couple is said to be worth $130.5 billion dollars and have three grown children.  So why are they splitting after all of these years?

A number of reasons are said to be the cause of their demise.

Gates has admitted to being unfaithful. He reportedly had an affair with a co-worker in 2003 and he also had a strange arrangement of an annual getaway with his ex-girlfriend.  It’s said his wife agreed to this annual tryst but I can’t imagine this agreement didn’t cause some resentment over time.  Melinda is also said to have had concerns and issues with her husbands relationship with Epstein. 

The 3 I’s that lead to divorce:

1. Irreconcilable differences – how to manage finances, lack of sexual intimacy, extended family issues
2. Infidelity – broken trust that can never be rebuilt.
3. Incompatability – opposite views (politics, religion, how to raise kids, etc…)

Can you come back from any one of these?

 

 

Episode #38 - Silent Killers of a Healthy Sex Life

Today’s episode is titled Silent Killers of a Healthy Sex Life.  We noticed that much of the advice or discussions regarding what hurts a married couple’s sex life are focused on some of the more obvious issues – things like fighting between spouses, time commitments of family/kids, infidelity , outward physical ailments, etc…

What makes couples go from hot and heavy to a non existent sex life?  While a dip in the consistency of sex can negatively impact the relationship, it doesn’t mean you’re headed for divorce but it should urge both individuals to look into the deeper meaning behind the lack of the physical connection.

• Monotony in daily life – mood killer
• TV/Phone in bed
• Unspoken sexual expectations of their spouse
• Hidden Insecurities
• Dad Bod effect
• Emotional connection lacking