Destination Marriage

Episode #37 - The Switch-a-roo

In today’s episode, we use a question posed to us by one of our listeners to have a discussion around what to do when your spouse seemingly pulls the old switch-a-roo and wants to make a major life change, despite previously agreeing with each other.

“Hi Destination Marriage!  My husband and I are curious to hear your thoughts regarding the situation that has us currently at an impass.  After 5 years of marriage my husband is adamant about having kids even though we both agreed prior to getting married that kids would not be part of our future.  I was very open and honest with my husband that my desire was to be a career woman and I never felt the need to have children.  He is constantly bringing up the topic and it’s causing us to argue.  I feel misled because he knew my stance on the topic and agreed prior to committing to marriage.  Where do we go from here now that we are both on completely different planets when it comes to having children?”

 

• We first discuss some general thoughts around these scenarios
  • Importance of pre-marital counseling
  • Importance of open and thoughtful communication – try to get to the bottom of what might be driving the firm stance? Fear, rejection, bad childhood?
  • When you should sacrifice and changing your stance in order to show love for your spouse
  • If you do change your stance, a commitment to not get bitter – ever!

 

 

Questions to ask???

 

• Is this simply a result of the husband changing over the last five years or did he deliberately mislead his wife in hopes that she would have a change of heart ?
• Is there really any room for compromise? This is a huge ask of the wife who clearly is career focused and could potentially have to put her career aspirations on hold. 
• Be sensitive but also highlight the very real fact that when you’re holding that baby in your arms for the first time, your entire world changes and you can’t imagine life without that baby

Other similar scenarios:

• Husband and wife both work and contribute to the household income. Wife then decides she no longer wants to work after having their first child so she can be a stay at home mom. The option of the mom remaining home to focus on caring for their child was never discussed because both husband and wife agreed the wife would remain working in order to continue having two incomes.  Now what?
• Same scenario but the husband wants his wife to stay at home and quit her 9-5 to soley focus on being a mom caring for the home. She however is excited to be a new mom but also loves working and wants to return to work which is creating an issue within the marriage. 

Episode #36 - Married At First Sight - Lessons for Marriage?

On today's episode, Jackie and Tommy discuss the latest season of Lifetime's reality TV show "Married At First Sight."   We discuss our thoughts on the show in general, then dive into each couple's primary issue and how that could apply to your marriage.

Enjoy!

Episode #35 - The Pressure of Measuring Up as a Woman

Measuring Up:

Today’s topic is all about the pressures of measuring up as women – as a wife, as a mom, in our careers, our physical appearance…you name it the list goes on.

The pressures of feeling enough largely affects women vs. men.  While men may experience these feelings from time to time we as women tend to process the pressures of measuring up .  It’s proven that while men may experience these feelings from time to time, women

 

 

 

1. Practice Gratitude – recognize the beauty in the little things
2. Take Inventory – of where you place your energy, of those around you, what’s influencing your thought patterns (societal pressures)
3. Show yourself Grace – just because you haven’t reached a life goal doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you have work to do. 
4. Allow yourself to Dream – How many times do we stifle our own dreams because we feel like we don’t measure up in some area so we couldn’t possibly even attempt said dream? It’s not your husband’s responsibility to dream for you. You are allowed to have dreams of your own, dreams for your marriage, your home.
5. Break up with those negative thoughts…that’s right. It’s time to tell the negative thoughts we allow ourselves to play in our heads that the relationship just isn’t working. 

Episode #34 - Destination Growth - Atomic Habits

Intro to the book:
Atomic Habits – Tiny changes, remarkable results, An easy & proven way to build good habits and break bad ones.
Author: James Clear

• Author back story: in his sophomore year of high school he was accidentally hit in the face with a baseball bat, broken nose, skull fractures and two shattered eye sockets, Coma
• Had double vision, lost his ability to smell, eyeball bulged out of socket for weeks. 
• Depression, loss, disappointment 
• He was determined to return to baseball.  How was he going to make his way back?  It took two years for what he called his turning point when he went to college and had worked hard for a spot on the baseball team.
• James made a choice to focus on building good habits as he continued to work his way back to his peak performance and it paid off.   Creating habits gave him a feeling of control.  Sleep, study, fitness habits.  He lived this very book and decided to share the notes he took during his journey through a newsletter that grew to 200k email subscribers – developing in a book deal, larger audiences and speaking engagements. 

• What are Atomic Habits?  A regular practice or routine that is not only small and easy to do, but also the source of incredible power.

• Forget about setting goals, focus on systems – “You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems”

• Four stages of habits:
1. Cue
2. Craving
3. Response
4. Reward

• The four laws of behavior change for building better habits:
1. Make it obvious – Time & location
2. Make it attractive – Craving, Temptaion bundling, Wanting the reward
3. Make it easy
4. Make it satisfying – What is immediately rewarded is repeated. What is immediately punished is avoided.  

• Breaking bad habits:
1. Makie it invisible
2. Make it unattractive
3. Make it difficult
4. Make it unsatisfying

• Habit: A routine or behavior that is performed regulartly and in many cases automatically. 
• Habit Score: +, -, = 
• Habit Stacking: Taking a current habit you already have and then adding or stacking your new behavior on top.

 

• Questions:
1. How does this apply to marriage?
2. How does this apply to our household?
3. How does this apply individually?
4. Do we play a role in creating the right habits in our spouse or even holding on to bad habits?

Episode#33 - Men - Gut Check - Setting the Temperature in Your Home

Welcome to episode 33 of Destination Marriage, I’m Tommy flying solo today – Jackie has the day off – she just busted her butt yesterday making another amazing Valentine’ breakfast – this was the first one without our oldest son.  But I am really thankful you have joined me on this journey today. 

Men - Gut check time - Talking to myself first and foremost.  This is sort of a verbal journal entry about something that’s really been on my heart recently.  Little back story - I’ve been trying over the past couple of years to push myself with running and it’s really difficult for me.  I’m not a natural runner and I’m still waiting for this quote Runner’s high I keep hearing about.  But, I will say that when I do run – especially outside at night, is that it’s the most focused time in my day.  I’m finding that during that time, the responsibilities that I’m neglecting or not doing a good job with hit me like a ton of bricks. …… I am actually enjoying running for the first time in my life – which is a real surprise as I’ve always seen running as punishment or simply to prepare for a sport’s season. 

I’m not a trained counselor or therapist by any means, but I have stepped in it more times than not over the past twenty years of marriage so at a minimum at least listen to me as a cautionary tale of what not to do and what I have learned.

Ok so what has been on my mind.  There are two things I want to talk to myself and to the men listening.  They both focus on realizing how much impact we have on the temperature of our own homes, our children and our wives.  Both of these are personal Gut Checks and also challenges to us men. 

One of our listeners told us he plays our podcast in the shop where he works, and a lot of the guys listen in.  He told us there are a lot of guys sharing some of the challenges in their marriages.  As I was running the other night, this group of men who I’ve never met suddenly were on my heart.  So, this one is for me and you.  I love you guys and want the best for your children, your homes and your marriages.

The first gut check for me is to realize when I’m being a coward in my own home and the need for me to personally step up.  What do I mean by that?

I listened to a recent sermon by John gray of relentless church in SC.  He is focusing right now on Intentionality in your lives and he mentioned this idea of being a Peacemaker vs peacekeeper and it hit me – that frames perfectly what I’ve been mentally struggling with how I act a lot of times in my own home. 

I’ve convinced myself that being a peacekeeper is wise and yes often times it is, but the hard truth for me is that many times when I say I just want peace, what I’m really doing is chickening out on my responsibilities as a father and husband.  Too often what happens as a result is while I’m “saying I just want peace”, I’m all the while letting outside influences or people hurt my wife emotionally.  Not physical hurt – let’s be honest that’s easy

That’s why I love the term peacemaker because it denotes the intentionality that’s necessary to create peace.  Most of the time that is going to mean putting myself in front of my wife or children and protecting them and creating peace by having difficult conversations or cutting people out of our lives that don’t have our best interests in their hearts.  It’s about protecting my children’s and my wife’s spirits and hearts in order to create peace.

I’ll ask you men – is that something you need to self-reflect on?  Be a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper.

 

The second personal gut check was not some huge revelation, but honestly a recent and emotional realization that really stung and brought me down for a while.  That was a recent learned how much impact I have in my home and how I truly set the emotional temperature for my home. 

Ok so you may say to me but Tommy you don’t understand.  My wife does xyz or treats me like a kid all of the time.   So........What do you do with that.  Personally, I tend to use a couple of options.  You can do what I do a lot and fire back and get really angry and mumble something about how you’re the man and you deserve respect.  Let me know how that works for you.  Tends to end in an ice cold bed in my experience.   You could pout and isolate.  I’m the king of that one.  That always ends with my wife seeking me and out and groveling at my feet professing her undying love and respect for me.  Well maybe in my imagination.  What is more the case and rightly so is she ends up digging in as now I’m really acting like the child.   Ring true to anyone.

 

A third option and one that I am trying to focus on is growing thicker skin and realize that a lot of what I get from my kids or from Jackie is a direct reflection of how I am acting in the home towards them.  Frankly I need to suck it up while I try to reorient how I act in the home.  Back to the point about being intentional – I’m going to focus on proactively being more emotionally supportive, keeping a loving tone towards my wife, and positive, uplifting support for my children. 

 

I believe that if I am consistent in protecting their hearts by being a peacemaker and constantly gauging the temperature of my home and reacting accordingly, then the respect and love will be given back to me in droves.

 

Back to the gut check, the truth is regardless if that happens or not, it’s my responsibility as the husband and father of my home to do that and I am committed to being intentional about improving my own home.

 

So, men please consider where you’re at in your marriage and what the temperature is of your homes.  What steps could you proactively take or what things could you stop doing that would build up and protect your homes?

 

As I mentioned at the top, I’m not a trained professional, but if you would like to discuss privately, please Direct Message me on our Destination Marriage Instagram or Facebook and I would be more than happy to speak with you in confidence.  I know that it’s hard to self-reflect and to admit to other men you have emotional things that need changing, but I promise you that the other side of that valley is much brighter if you do.

Thank you for letting me share some of my thoughts today and until next time, I hope each of you has a fantastic week, bye.

Episode #32 - Unique Ideas for your Valentine & Keeping the Spark Alive During the Pandemic

Episode #31 - Taste your words before you spit them out

In today’s episode, we thought we would have a little fun with phrases we hate (mostly from Millennials) and also have a serious talk about how passive aggressive phrases can cause real issues in a marriage.  Many of these phrases, whether intentionally or unintentionally can be a sign of immaturity, or often times, something worse. 

First we discuss a few phrases you hear that really annoy us:

Phrases we hate:

“Triggered”

“Adulting”

“Speak your truth”

“Stay in your lane”

“Sorry not sorry”

“Netflix and chill” – actually, I love this one

Now, let’s switch gears a git and talk about passive aggressive or other phrases in marriage that can cause damage without realizing it.

“You do you”

“I’m sorry that you feel that way”

“Fine - Whatever”

“Why are you getting so upset”

“It’s not my fault”

“Don’t be so sensitive” or “You’re over-reacting”

“I’m not mad”

“I was only joking”

“I’m not perfect”

 

 

 

 

Episode #30 - 2021Annual Planning & Goal Setting

Happy New Year everyone!  We’re officially in 2021 and looking forward to all the possibilities a new year brings.  So, each year we set aside a weekend to focus on our annual planning and if you’ve been following us since the beginning then you may have already listened to an earlier episode dedicated to this topic but this year we are making some necessary changes and thought it might be helpful to some of you who also experienced some unexpected life altering changes in 2020.

Episode #29 – Nitpicking, Nagging & Controlling Your Spouse – What Could Go Wrong?

Today’s episode is our response to a question one of our listeners posed to our Instagram account recently.

“I have been looking for resources on how to not nag my husband and how to stop trying to control him. I nitpick and it drives him into crazy anger.  I try to stop, and then I mess up and it’s driving us apart.  Do you have any recommendations, or could you cover this in a future podcast?”

• Mention off the top a couple of important points:
  • These can be minor or very serious and dangerous issues inside of a marriage – while we will certainly have some fun discussing this, we recognize we are not marriage counselors and the best course of action might just be seeking professional help together.
  • Tommy – as a man and husband, please know that my heart hurts for this wife and I want to speak through a lens of grace – even if I make some jokes or react sarcastically on the show!
• Breakdown the quote and talk big picture – Controlling your spouse goes hand in hand with Nagging & Nitpicking because they’re trying to mold you into what they want

 

• Nitpicking:
  • What do you consider nitpicking?
  • What is the reason you are finding fault or looking to highlight faults in your partner? – unrealistic expectations, judgmental tendencies or need for perfectionism
  • Nitpicking in 2020 – more of an issue
  • For newer marriages – learning to live with one another
  • Is this creating a vicious cycle? – resentment
  • SOLUTIONS: Intentionally show grace, don’t sweat the small stuff, maybe ask yourself will this matter in a year, turn it into fun – something unique between just you?

• Nagging:
  • When does a request become nagging?
  • Jackie Example – Tommy Example
  • How can you better communicate the need?
  • What are some SOLUTIONS?
    • Step away, calm down and then respond
    • Both agree on a date and time to do task
    • Put it on electronic calendars
    • Better communicate why you’re not doing said task immediately – maybe you already have a plan – husbands instead of getting angry and feeling you’re not being respected, explain the why. Wives – if your husband truly does know what he’s doing, maybe take a step back from mentioning it anymore
    • As the Spouse being “nagged” – recognize that you may be putting something off because it’s not important but could be very important to your spouse.

• Controlling:
  • This is a deeper one that probably should go straight to counseling to find out what is really happening in the relationship or something internal with the wife or husband that is causing this behavior
  • This could take many forms – nitpicking, nagging
  • Keeping score
  • Verbally manipulating your spouse with negative speak to wear them out to do what you want.
  • SOLUTIONS:
    • Self- recognition that you have a problem is a good first step
    • Ask yourself what is driving this behavior – fear, insecurity, projecting/transferring

 

Episode#28 - Women's Health, Wellness and Hormones w/ Special Guest- Chelsey Creswell

On today’s episode, we have special guest Chelsey Creswell, as we discuss women’s health and wellness with a focus on Hormone Replacement Therapy.  We discuss a variety of topics, with a focus on the two below:

1. The signs and symptoms you may be experiencing that might make you a good candidate for hormone replacement therapy
2. The impact your hormones have on your health, your daily life and in the bedroom

 

Chelsey Creswell Bio:

Chelsey has been involved in the wellness and fitness lifestyle for over 20 years. She grew up in Southern California and holds a bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and Dietetics. She is also a Registered Nurse. Prior to becoming a nurse, she was a Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist through the National Strength and Conditioning Association and a Licensed Massage Therapist.

At the end of 2015 she decided to fulfill a lifelong dream and compete on the bodybuilding stage. She competed 3 times in 2016 and had the opportunity to win her professional status as a natural WNBF figure competitor. Chelsey chose KKW to coach her to this WIN. 

Chelsey combines education in nutrition with her clinical experience to educate her clients on how food truly affects the body. She passionately believes that food is medicine and when used properly is the strongest catalyst for good health on this earth.

 

Questions we answer or touch on during our conversation regarding hormone replacement:

1. What is the typical age a woman should start inquiring about hormone replacement?
2. What are some of the signs our bodies might be using to tell us we need to have our hormones checked?
3. What are some common misconceptions?
4. Is HRT one size fits all?
5. How can women get tested for hormone replacement & where should they go?
6. Types of HRT?
7. Benefits?

Close – Call to action

Encourage other women to go through a checklist of things they are experiencing so they can follow up with proper treatment.

 

Please contact Chelsey at:

Instagram - @chelseycreswell

Email – teamcreswell4@gmail.com

Website – www.kkwellnessconsulting.com