Destination Marriage

Episode #27 - Managing outside influences in your marriage

In today's episode, we discuss how to manage outside influences in your marriage.  We have been thinking about this topic for quite a while and when we received a couple of questions from our listeners on this topic, we though now would be a great time to have a conversation.

 

Big idea = being careful and intentional about who you let speak into your life and into your marriage

 

Influence from each other’s friends

"My husband and I are currently at an impasse and would appreciate any advice you could offer me.  My group of girlfriends and I naturally share the details of our lives during our weekly girls night. During one of our recent night’s out I may have shared some of the frustrations I’m currently experiencing with my spouse.  I assure you my intentions were pure and I was simply having an open conversation with my trusted group of friends but when I hosted a girls night this past week, a couple of comments were made that made my husband aware of my recent complaints.  He didn’t react to either comment initially but the next day he told me I had embarrassed him and he no longer wants me to have girls night if it’s just a husband bashing session.  What should I do?"

 

Other things to look out for:

• Bringing negativity
• Over dramatizing situations
• Guilting you
• Speaking ill of your spouse or complaining about your spouse

 

Influence from in-laws & immediate family

"I am curious to know your thoughts on a situation I’m having with my husband.  A little insight into who we are…We’ve been married for two years and have been together for five.  My husband and I have been recently making some life changes and decisions in preparation for starting our family but my husband seems to not make a decision without consulting his parents first.  I love my husband but he’s a bit of a mama’s boy…I’m worried this is going to get worse once we start having kids. "

 

Other things to look out for:

• Depending on parents to help in decision making
• Turning to parent rather than your spouse for emotional support – apron strings
• Sharing too much and in turn betraying your spouse’s trust
• Sharing too much with people that in turn use that against you in the future

Episode #26 - Take a minute to really honor working mothers in these crazy times

In this episode, I (Tommy) go solo to honor the working mothers in my personal and professional life.  There is a heavy emotional weight on everyone right now and it is even heavier on working mothers.  I say in the episode that I could not handle the emotional weight of having to be an effective worker interwoven with the constant worry over your children.

So, I thought it would be a good time to take a minute to recognize and honor the working mothers in my family, those that are my friends and those I have worked with.  I apologize in advance as I know I have missed some awesome working mothers that are in my world – please know it is not intentional. 

Starting with my beautiful bride Jackie, I thank you and honor you for how hard to you work at your business, how much you worry and pray over our boys and over me.  You’re amazing and I love you.  To all of the other working mothers, you’re awesome and amazing as well.  Keep persevering and your families will be blessed because of that perseverance.

Episode #25 - Practicing Gratitude

• Timeliness of Thanksgiving, Covid-19 & practicing gratitude
• What is gratitude? Expressing thanks for something in your life whether it’s tangible or intangible
• Is it harder or easier to practice gratitude during Covid?
• Contentment vs. Complacency
  • Contentment is a state of happiness or satisfaction. Gratitude and contentment go hand in hand.
  • Complacency – being self-satisfied or secure in a given situation, often unaware of negative realities or harmful possibilities
• Benefits of practicing gratitude:
  • Trains your mind to place more energy on the positive instead of immediately going to a negative
  • Provides motivation to keep moving forward towards life goals (this goes back to when we discussed celebrating small wins)
  • Improves your overall physical health
  • Builds self-esteem
  • Boost immune system
  • Mental health benefits
  • Improves relationships
  • Sets a positive example for your children or those around you to do the very same.
• 7 simple ways to practice gratitude:
  • Gratitude journal
  • Send a note to a friend thanking them for their friendship
  • Take a moment to enjoy the outdoors
  • Take turns at the dinner table to acknowledge something you’re grateful for
  • Thank your spouse for something they did for you that day or week (discuss some examples)
  • Embrace challenges and turn them into opportunities to grow (challenge of 2020 did we choose to grow, learn something new or crumble?)
  • Gratitude jar (place notes in a jar of things you are grateful for and take one out when you need a reminder or having a challenging time

Episode #24 – The Five Love Languages for Children

I’m sure most of you have heard of The Five Love Languages.  It’s a wildly popular book amongst couples and we both enjoyed the insight it brought to our marriage but today is all about the five love languages of children.

Gary Chapman the author of The Five Love Languages teamed up with Ross Campbell with the goal of helping parents gain a better understanding of how to meet the emotional needs of their children.  Ross Campbell was a psychiatrist and the author of several books on parenting and child development.  He passed away in 2012 but over three decades he provided counsel and a wealth of knowledge to thousands of parents.

So, before we jump into the application for children and for any of our listeners that haven’t heard of these before, let’s go over each of them.

• Physical Touch
• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Gifts
• Acts of service

Emotional Tank – Every person has an emotional tank - babies and children are in the developing stages of determining what truly fills their tank.  Babies needs are much simpler – they need to be held, fed and snuggled but as children become adolescents or teenagers, their needs become more defined and it’s our job as parents to fill their emotional tank.  Filling their tank with each love language provides a strong foundation and provides guidance for them to learn their true love language.

• Physical Touch – A hug, snuggle time, high five, contact sports
• Words of Affirmation – Post it notes on the mirror, recognition of their hard work, complimenting them for a job well done with chores, for being a good friend
• Quality Time – a lunch date, cooking together, a bike ride, a trip – the one on one time makes them feel like they’re the most important person. Your undivided attention also offers up opportunity for conversations that might not take place without that one on one time. It’s best your child comes to you for instruction and guidance rather than seeking guidance from the wrong person.
• Gifts – Who doesn’t love a gift? When you think of a gift it automatically brings you to happy moments like Christmas or even a birthday. The fine line with children can be unintentionally spoiling them or offering gifts because it’s an easier than tuning in to their other emotional needs. Gifts may in fact be their love language which
• Acts of Service – We do things for our children that they typically can’t do for themselves like cook or wash their clothes because they have yet to know how to complete these tasks. But we gladly do these things because we love our children – it brings us joy to care for them and in turn they learn how to also perform acts of service with a genuine love. Teaching your child to complete these tasks is also an act of service.

Benefits & Purpose of learning your child’s love language

• Within the home
• With others at school
• Future relationships – girlfriend/boyfriend
• With their future spouse

 

Discipline: Be sure never to use the love language of your child or deny the love language as a form of punishment.  For example…where can parents go wrong? How do we avoid these pitfalls?

What if I don’t know my child’s love language?

• Observe how they express love to you as the parent
• Observe how they treat others – friends or other family members
• Pay attention to their requests – looking for words of affirmation (example)
• Give them options between two love languages – would you like to go fishing with dad this weekend or would you like dad to fix the tire on your bike? – quality time vs. acts of service
• 15 week challenge: If none of those steps work the book suggests a 15 week challenge to better direct you to identifying your child’s primary love language.

 

Episode #23 - What every husband needs from his wife - the newlywed vs the veteran

Today’s episode is called “What every husband needs from his wife . . . the newlywed vs. the veteran”.  This is a unique episode of Destination Marriage as I will be flying solo, but will be co-hosting with my nephew Chris Ford, a newlywed of just over a year. Chris is Jackie’s older sister’s son and I have known him since he was about 5 years old. It’s still weird calling a grown man your nephew, but nonetheless.    

We discuss a number of topics with perspectives from 1 year of marriage and from 19 years of marriage.  Some of the attributes of a husband's needs from their wife that we discuss: 

• Respect
• Friendship – intimacy outside of the bedroom
• Encouragement – verbal affirmation
• Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally
• Support and approval
• Honor – build him up, relish him, never shame him (especially in public, with friends or around family)
• Extended family dynamics

Chris and Emily gave me the honor of officiating their wedding last year and below is a part of the ceremony that I spoke directly to Emily about as her role as a wife.  I think it summarizes much of what a husband needs

• Men and women are different …………… I trust we can all agree on that ………. We generally have respective needs that are different from the other and the Bible lays out a perfect balance here for a healthy marriage …………. These verses can be very challenging in today’s culture and I’m very glad you chose them to be read ………. The word for submission in Ephesians is one of a willing and sacrificial submission ……………. Biblical submission takes humility and has nothing to do with value ….….. you are both equally valuable in God’s eyes and in this marriage ……….. it has much more to do with God’s ordained structure for a healthy marriage ……...  Emily ……… it means letting Chris be the leader of your home ……….….. it means letting Chris fail ……….…….. and if he’s anything like me …………… he’s going to fail a lot …………. It means lovingly showing grace as he grows into the man he is going to be.  It is one that you do out of love and respect for Chris ……….. and it is what he needs

 

Episode #22 - Catching up with the Keipers

Today’s episode is called “Catching up with the Keipers”. We typically have a focused topic for each episode, but we thought it would be fun to share with our listeners what we’re up to, what we’re into with entertainment, fitness, what we’re watching as we continue to navigate these unprecedented times!

Enjoy

Episode #21 - Preparing your teens for life changing relationships

Today we want to talk about preparing your teens for relationships in their lives that will have significant impacts in their lives.

Primary relationships

• First love and dating - Boyfriends/girlfriends
• Friendships that will define their lives
• Other mentors or outside influences – teachers, coaches, friend’s parents

What boundaries do you put in place as parents?

• Based on age, maturity level?
• Rules without relationship equals rebellion.” Those rules could be very strict guidelines or suffocating restrictions that essentially create a prison for your kids and outside relationships can easily be seen as an escape from that prison you created.
• Very important to look in the mirror as a parent and see why you set those rules. Many times, it’s because you went through some hurt in your past and don’t want your child to go through that hurt - which is noble, but can often times cause more damage.

 

Where to plug your kids into to find the right kinds of friends and potential dating relationships

• School, church, sports teams

Encourage debate and discussion at home, but ultimately as a parent, you have the final say in many matters.

Dating Relationships

• How much do you let them get hurt? – Teach them to guard their heart.
• Meet the teen they are interested in dating and their parents if possible.
• Open communication – these are not one time conversations. There needs to be a level of trust and understanding that you establish with your teen so they know without a doubt that their parent is always a safe place, a listening ear and their go to for guidance. 
• If they’re on the recurring end of unhealthy behavior – know when and how to step in. Better yet – have this conversation with your teen ahead of time so they’re aware of what unhealthy behavior consists of. It’s important they already know their boundaries and can confidently step away from a toxic relationship.

Social Media

• Lastly let’s talk about the impact of Social Media – differences today. The social landscape has changed (snap chat, tick tock, tinder, etc…) and how teens connect, communicate or build social circles has changed with it. As parents, it’s important to monitor these forms of communication because it gives teens easy access to one another. 
• Social Media has made it easy to let your guard down emotionally as you don’t have to see someone in person and manage that emotional connection – it’s easy to hurt someone online and be hurt

Episode #20 – Put Down the Gloves & Fight Fai

Today’s topic is something we all experience as married couples.  Whether you call it arguing, fighting or simply conflict, it’s inevitable that two married people are not always going to agree on everything.  Ultimately no one will go through marriage without experiencing a disagreement, but you should learn how to fight fair. 

In today’s episode, we discuss ground rules we have learned and try to use in our marriage when we fight.  We are a work in progress and certainly need to be intentional in following these rules, but we are both committed to each other and to resolve issues instead of just fighting to win.  We hope this episode blesses your marriage or any relationship where conflict is causing damage.

Episode #19 - Q&A with Tommy & Jackie - Get to know us better

So, today is all about getting to know us better.  We shared a little about who we are in the first Destination Marriage episode, but we thought we would revisit that conversation because we want our listeners to get to know us better.  We dive into each of our childhoods and discuss how a Maryland boy that grew up in the country fell in love with a Bronx city girl.

Then we have some fun asking each other some personal questions in a quiz type format to show you a little more about ourselves.  We found it was actually pretty enlightening as we both learned even more about one another!

We encourage our listeners to do the same and ask each other these questions.  We think you will enjoy the conversations to come!

• What food reminds you of me?
• What is your favorite board game?
• What was your favorite date we ever had?
• What was your favorite book to read as a child?
• What was your first cd and when did you get it?
• If we could live somewhere for a month on an extended vacay, where would it be?
• What movie reminds you of us?
• What one piece of marriage advice do you wish you were given when we first got married?
• If you could rid of one fashion trend women are currently wearing what would it be?
• If you had to commit to the same food you were packing in every picnic basket for every picnic we were to go on moving forward, what food would you choose?
• If I were to surprise you with tickets to a sporting event with amazing seats – everything planned...all you have to do is pack a bag and show up...what event would it be?

We hope you enjoy!

Episode#18 - Destination Growth - "Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance"

Today we continue our Destination Growth Series by discussing “Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance” by author Angela Duckworth.  Angela Duckworth is a professor of Psychology at UPENN and also the founder and CEO of Character Lab.  Much of her professional focus is on using scientific insights to help children thrive.  However, in her best-selling book Grit, the insights go far beyond only helping children become grittier.  It really is written for anyone to not only understand the importance of grit, but also to learn how to become grittier at any age.

So, what is the definition of Grit, as defined by Dr. Duckworth?   Grit is defined as “the tendency to sustain interest in and effort toward very long-term goals"

The book is broken up into three parts:

• Part One is What Grit is and Why it Matters
• Part Two is Growing Grit from the Inside Out
• Part Three is Growing Grit from the Outside In

For our purposes today, we apply this book in three areas:  For ourselves, as parents and for our marriage.

For Ourselves

• Jackie’s takeaway
  • Showing up and putting in the work can close the gap between those that have a natural ability vs. the determined individual
  • Purpose drives my motivation in everything I do.
  • How I view my efforts matter - Brick layer parable – laying bricks, building a church, building the house of God – job, career or calling
• Tommy’s takeaway
  • Talent doesn’t make you gritty.
  • Growth mindset – perseverance comes through failure if you believe that failure isn’t a permanent state.
  • Importance of consistent deliberate practice. There can be pleasure in the pain of practice.
  • That purpose and passion can evolve as you become proficient or an expert in something that you maybe didn’t start out thinking it was going to be your purpose.
  • Grit and personality can be developed and aren’t fixed even as adults. That the brain has plasticity and can grow and change

For Parenting

• Jackie’s takeaway
  • How do we teach Grit as parents?
  • Supporting vs. Demanding approach
  • Creating the right environment for your children to flourish
  • Tough love vs. nurturing
  • Do you offer an example of Grit to your children – Will they want to emulate you?
• Tommy’s takeaway
  • Follow through for at least a year on whatever activity/club/sport/hobby is crucial to build grit in children
  • Authoritative vs. Authoritarian – easily confused. Authoritative is putting hard demands on children but also being supportive and caring equally. 
  • How important it is to have outside help to foster grit. Whether it be from us as parents or with coaches, teachers, or other authority figures – we can’t do it alone.

 

For our Marriage

• Jackie’s & Tommy’s takeaway
  • Really encouraging that our brains can literally rewire themselves. Our marriage can continue to grow and mature through deliberate “practice” with loving each other
  • That marriage takes real grit to be successful

Enjoy!